You Are Never Ready

Update on my dad...

We scurried and found a suitable rehab facility, got him settled (he had the best set up room in the place, thanks to Matthew & I;), watched Detroit get into the World Series and on Saturday, October 27 @ 8:30 a.m. he just couldn't fight anymore...  You wonder how you will react when you get that call, what will it feel like - you simply can't prepare for this moment.  For me, this was extremely difficult, I had been given a false sense of hope because he was improving and I really thought he was going to get strong enough to go home, unfortunately, his body just couldn't keep fighting.  I will be forever grateful for the last month of time I had with him, but there is never enough time and you are never ready to say good-bye.

I am in awe at the support I have received over the several weeks - there are too many people to mention, but it is safe to say that I have never felt more supported, loved and thankful for so many generous family & friends.  The last photo I took of my dad was the first day he was able to sit up in the wheelchair and I could take him outside - I love you dad and a day will not go by that I won't think about I lucky I am to be your daughter.

How do you live, when you know you are dying?

Well, today was the day that we got the news that we didn't want..."there is nothing more we can do".  How do you live, when you know you are dying?  Well, you just do!  Today was the first time that I cried in front of my dad through this whole process - It was just so hard to hear these words.  My dad has always been my hero - he is non-judgmental, grateful, generous, loving, funny and truly the best man I know! He was my first love and I just don't know how to let him go.

Now, it is the race to find a rehab facility to release him to in hopes that we can get him strong enough to go home.  He is a very strong, determined man and I know we will get to take him home very soon!

Live Today Like There is no Tomorrow

The last two weeks have been a whirlwind and a blur.  As my dad battles lung cancer, we have been fortunate that he has been doing pretty well after being diagnosed almost a year ago, but we were reminded how serious this disease is on Tuesday, September 25.  He was having a rough weekend and was struggling to breath - after contacting his nurse and heading to the ER he was life flighted to OSU Hospital here in Columbus.  While he is improving every day, we are still not certain of what caused this latest scare.  As best they can tell, the tumor that is in his lung shifted just enough to block his airway, making it hard for him to breath and subsequently causing an infection, assuming pneumonia and to further complicate things, his heart went into A-fib.  Over the course of the last 12 days, he has improved dramatically, he has had 10 rounds of emergency radiation in hopes it will shrink the tumor enough to open the airway and possibly allow his pulmonary team to insert a stint in the bronchial tube to prevent this badly placed tumor from collapsing that airway again.

I have had a great deal of time to sit and reflect while keeping my dad company at the hospital.  It dawned on me that we received this devastating news of my dad's lung cancer a year ago next month.  While I am thankful to have had this time, I have not made the most of every day with him, largely due to my own battle over the last year, but I will not take for granted another day with him.  While I do not know why I have been dealt this hand of adversity over the last year - I do know one thing, it's important to embrace the blessings you have - so for now, I will sit here in this recliner and eat hospital food as long as necessary to ensure that my dad knows he is the most important thing in my life at this given moment!

40 Really is Fabulous!

I am so humbled by all the birthday wishes and celebrating. I kicked off my 40th celebration with a massage and champagne at lunch and concluded ... who am I kidding, I am not done celebrating yet!  As a matter of fact, I have decided that 40 is too special to celebrate for one day and instead, plan to celebrate for an entire year!! It is still hard to believe I am 40....there was a time I considered to be so old and now that I am 40, it just doesn't seem that old!  Everything truly is perspective!

This weekend included a few of my favorite things, wine, the buckeyes - including a birthday tailgate for one my besties whose birthday is the day after mine:), good food and time with family and friends!  Now, it's time to plan the rest of my year - on the agenda so far, Charlotte in November for a girls weekend and running a half marathon in February on Tybee Island. I better get cracking on something for October - it's just around the corner!  It's going to have to be something really special - I will be celebrating the 15th anniversary of the best decision I've every made - marrying my darling husband, Andrew;)

The Big 4-0

As I reflect, it’s hard to absorb everything that has happened over the last year.  I will turn 40 tomorrow and I am full of emotion.  It was one year ago that I returned for a post-op visit, fully confident that since the appointment was scheduled on my 39th birthday that I was going to receive good news.  I was so prepared for good news, that I didn’t think about any other kind of news….  I was dressed up for the first time in weeks and planning to have nice dinner with my tireless husband who had been taking care of me for the last several weeks.  And then my perfect world crumbled around me… this is what I remember… “lymph node, radiation, chemotherapy”.  A collection of words that I could hardly grasp.  Fast forward to today, I have been through scans, countless blood draws, six weeks of radiation combined with chemotherapy, as well as another six rounds of chemotherapy over 18 weeks.  I barely remember Christmas 2011.  Many weeks were a blur with it taking every ounce of energy I had to get through a work day.

I have determined that turning 40 is too big to only celebrate for one day – I intend to celebrate for an entire year!  So if you see me anytime over the next year – please wish me Happy Birthday!  Life is a gift and I intend to live every day to the fullest!

My Hair is Back!

I have not been to the salon in almost a year and it was time!  I even had to get my eyebrows waxed already!  I sunk into the chair of my fabulous hairdresser, Drew, with complete comfort.  I had forgotten how awesome it felt to have your hair done!  Drew has given me tips through every stage of losing my hair, as well as each stage as it is coming back.  He says..."what are we doing", to which I respond..."what can we do?"  So, we trimmed it up and scheduled an appointment four weeks out to ... oh yeah ... I'm going blonde!  I love my dark hair, but stay tuned...

Pelotonia12 - What an Experience!

I am overwhelmed with the experience of Pelotonia12!  The opening ceremony was emotional and inspiring!  My ride was a huge success – still can’t believe I rode 100 miles and exceeded my fundraising goal!  I am already preparing for how I can raise more money next year!  I am most grateful for my tenacious riding partner – convincing me to ride Reynolds Rd (the way more difficult route) - I will never fear the unknown again! I am so grateful to everyone that donated, giving me the opportunity to ride 100 miles!  I rode in honor of myself as a survivor, but especially for the many fighting their own battles!




ONE GOAL -> END CANCER

Slowing Down

The summer has been such a whirlwind.  When I finished chemo in April, I instantly began filling my calendar with commitments and jumped back into the hectic life that I am accustomed to living…forgetting that my energy would not come back instantly.  I have luckily survived the madness of the busiest time of year at my paying job, chaired and planned our largest fundraiser for the local food pantry where I am board member and am officially prepared to ride 100 miles in a week in the fight to raise money for cancer research.  I also received the first compliment on my 'haircut'.  This lovely woman approached me at the pantry fundraiser I mentioned, I was running around a little crazy and she looked at me and said "Where do you get your hair cut - I love it!"  How about that??  As I wrap up this crazy summer, I am reflecting and re-prioritizing…  After facing your own mortality, this happens more often!

As I tried to return to living a normal life, I am reminded again how fragile life is and not to take it for granted.  Shortly after my diagnosis, my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer in the fall of 2011.  At the time I was fighting my own battle and simply could not be as much help as I would have liked.  While the cancer is not curable, he is holding his own and feeling pretty good – he even returned to work in June.  And then we received another blow in June 2012 with mom being diagnosed with advanced breast cancer.  Her situation is much more serious at the moment and luckily, I have been able to jump in and the lead the charge with her care – I continue to be amazed at the compassion of The James Cancer Center at OSU – they are truly angels!  She is struggling with a great deal of pain due to the location of the tumors and has started chemotherapy, receiving weekly treatments.  We will know more in a few weeks, but for now, we have hope that everything is treatable.

One Year Ago...

One year ago today I was diagnosed with the Big C… It’s hard to believe it’s already been a year and it’s hard to believe it’s only been a year.  I know one thing, I am a Survivor!

Pelotonia12

I finally gout out for my first training ride for Pelotonia12.  To tell you the truth, I signed up for Pelotonia weeks ago with lots of ambition and fully prepared to ride 100 miles this year – I rode 50 miles in 2009 and 2010, but couldn’t ride in 2011 after my diagnosis sidelined me from riding.  Pelotonia is now 5 weeks away and I haven’t actually gotten my bike out of the garage…how exactly I thought I was going to get out there and ride 100 miles with out training I’m not sure.  I am so lucky to have connected with a colleague to ride with a group of fantastic ladies – Girls With Gears – and I am feeling so energized after getting out there and riding.  The adrenalin of exercise is truly healing!  I jumped right into this training and rode 50 miles on my first ride on a ridiculously hot day!  We’ll see how the training goes – 100 miles seems like a lot right now!

I'm Done With Scarves!

I’m not sure you can actually call it hair yet (it's more like fuzz:), but I’m done with the scarves!  I was at Picnic with the Pops this past Friday night and it felt like 150 degrees and I just couldn’t take keeping the scarf on so I ditched it!  Thank you to the fabulous ladies that immediately supported me and told me it looked great and I should just go without it.  I just may show up for work on Monday without it….we’ll see!

My Champions!

My support system has been so broad and so critical in my maintaining hope!  As if we didn’t have enough going on over the last few months, my hubby & I decided we should move as well!  Craziness!!  We have been in our new house just over a month and wanted to host a housewarming/thank you gathering at our new home.  I was overwhelmed with so many of my champions in one place enjoying an awesome evening in our new house.  I have said it over and over, but I truly am blessed and am so thankful for all of the wonderful people in my life….yes, I am still wearing a scarf….no hair yet!

When Will My Hair Start Growing?

While it’s only been a few weeks since my last chemo, I’m growing weary of my bald head – but here it is!

I Made It!

I have completed my last chemo.  Woo-Hoo!  All in all I have tolerated everything pretty well.

Now, it’s time to live:-)

Cheers to my super hubby for being by my side every step of the way.

Chemo Buddies

I’m half way through my 6 rounds of chemotherapy and it’s taking it’s toll on me physically.  Luckily I am emotionally stronger than ever thanks to overwhelming support system that I am lucky to have round me.  I am so blessed to have so many caring people in my life through this process.  My husband has been such a blessing and been by my side during every chemo treatment, my dear friend Kathy that went wig shopping with me (although, I have yet to wear the wig) and sat with me during the chemo days that Andy couldn’t make it, my dear friend Keri that hosted my head shaving party and let me borrow her Hermes scarves.  And lastly, my dear sweet pooch Dudley, who has been at my feet through all the lazy days when all I can do is lay around.  I have never felt so surrounded by love, support and generosity.  I will get through this!

It's Just Hair

It happened so fast…my hair is falling out by the hand full, so I took charge and shaved it to minimize the emotional toll of watching it fall out in clumps.  I made it a girl’s night out and my dear friend Keri hosted my head shaving party – we drank wine and made a night of it.  It actually wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be.  Turns out I don’t have an odd shaped head and it sure is easier to get ready in the morning!  There is so much truth to everything you read about taking charge and shaving it yourself – it’s empowering and made me feel slightly better about the whole process.

Cancer? Me? That's not possible!

I’ve been wanting to jump into the blog world, but wasn’t sure my life was interesting enough.  Wow, has the past 9 months given me content – so here I am!  This blog is an outlet for me to share the ups, the downs and everything in between of someone embarking on 40 and their life turning upside down.  Three years ago, I made a conscious decision to take control of my physical and mental well-being.  I took up boot-camp, cycling and running.  Over the course of 2.5 years, I ran 5 half marathons, rode two 50 mile cycling events (raising money for cancer research) and downright became a gym rat!  As 2011 began, my energy dropped, my motivation wasn’t the same and I was diagnosed in July 2011 with Cervical Cancer.  I had just started a new job and when I just, I mean just, I got the call on my first day of my new job.  Then began my journey – I was quickly scheduled for a radical hysterectomy in hopes that the cancer hadn’t spread and required additional treatment.  I showed up for my post-op visit on my birthday (39th…took this as an omen of good luck) to find out that the cancer had spread to a lymph node and I would need radiation and chemotherapy.  You never think it’s going to happen to you!  I have learned so much through this journey, I have met so many inspirational people and I have found more strength in myself than I ever could have imagined.  I vowed to journal or blog through this whole process, but couldn’t seem to muster the motivation until now.  I don’t ever want to forget the emotion that has been a part of this journey, but some has probably passed with time.

I have completed my first round of treatment which included 6 weeks of radiation and chemotherapy.  It was tougher than I anticipated, but I made it!  My radiation angels were key in getting me through this first round of treatment.  When I went for my first appointment with Dr. Martin at The James Cancer Center, I couldn’t get a word out without crying – this has continued, but it gets better!  Then came Steve, Sommer, Erin and Leah – they truly got me through this integral first stage.  I went from being scared to death, feeling a little sorry for myself to being inspired by their support and encouragement.  I have learned the anticipation of things is always worse than the actual act and I am happy to say that I have come through this first round of treatment, stronger, thankful and inspired!  Now I am moving on to my last piece of treatment – more chemotherapy.
This round of chemotherapy is scarier, I will lose my hair:(  I have made every effort to embrace this and accept the reality that it’s just hair.  Life is so much more important than any vanity – right?!?  I thought I was ready, but at my first chemotherapy appointment….I cried again!  Dr. Cohn, my rock through this process, assured me that “no one can be prepared for this” and he also assured me that “this is temporary and will be a distant memory very soon”.  He’s right – he also reminded me that the anticipation is always worse than the actual act!  So, I sit here resting from my first round of Taxol/Carbo chemotherapy, thankful that I have the opportunity to choose life!

I am not a skilled writer, but I hope this blog will give me the outlet to get thoughts out of my head and maybe help someone else through this touch process.  Now, I’m off to plan for 2012 because if I’ve learned one thing, life throws you curve balls and you can either hit back or strike out – I plan to adjust and learn how to hit back!  This doesn’t mean I won’t strike out occasionally, but I know there is always another chance to hit back.  First up, I am being fitted for a wig this week…maybe I’ll go blond!