Live Your Life With Purpose!

Some things just don't make sense.  I was at my desk this morning when I received an e-mail that a main intersection in downtown Columbus was closed. While this is not a common occurrence, as the Office Administrator of a downtown law office, I receive multiple notifications about different things going on downtown, so I did not give it a great deal of thought. I find out later that there was an indescribable accident - a 21-year old intern was struck and killed by a bus that was hit by someone that ran a red light.  She was hit be a bus...  How many times has someone made the reference "I could get hit by a bus tomorrow", well today, someone did get hit by a bus.  A family is hurting tonight because their college age daughter was lost in a freak accident.  I can't imagine how they are feeling.  I have always believed in fate and that things happen for a reason, but why would something like this happen?

As a cancer survivor, I often say that life is short and tomorrow is not guaranteed.  But am I living my life as if tomorrow was not a guarantee?  I am embarrassed to say that not always.  You see, you can so easily slip back into letting the dailyness of life take over and not make every day count.  Are you doing something great with every day? Are you living your life with purpose? While I can't change yesterday, I can make tomorrow different and will not take for granted this second lease on life that I have been given! Do something great tomorrow and make a difference!

Things Always Look Better in the Morning

I spent this weekend at the beach in Wilmington, NC. Just before my dad passed away, he told me he had always wanted to see the beach at the Atlantic Ocean. I knew we might not have much time to plan a trip, so I started planning it for Thanksgiving 2012, hoping he would be well enough to make the trip. Unfortunately, he passed on October 27. 2012 and never made it to the beach.  While I am very sad that I did not get to take him to the beach, I am more sad that we never talked about the things he wanted to do or see before he was sick. 

I got up early on Sunday to catch the sunrise at the ocean. I am not exactly a morning person, so I have not seen many sunrises, yet I have been up for the sunrise two weekends in a row. This one at the ocean and last weekend in the rolling hills of Central Ohio. What an inspiration to see the magic of the sun coming up. It dawned on me that that the miracle of a sunrise happens every day - whether I am at the beach, on a road trip, on a bike ride or simply at home sitting on my deck...the sun still rises just like it did on this day at the beach. I feel like I am coming out of a dark chapter and my soul is waking up.  

Each day is a work in progress and as I sit on the beach with the warmth of the sun on my face and the sand between my toes, I am reminded of something my dad said the day we received the news that there was nothing more that could be done for his cancer. I took this news very hard and while I tried to remain very strong for him through his illness, but this was too much for me and I broke down.  As I fought back the tears, he looked at me and said, "Things always look better in the morning." How does a man that just received this devastating news remain positive? That was who he was and I miss him every day!

Fate or Destiny?

Do you ever think about the chance encounters in your life? Those split decisions that you make and think they are insignificant at the time, yet they influence your path and the people in your life?

When I reflect on some of these decisions I have made, I am in awe at the change in course my life took.  Call it fate, destiny or however you want describe it, but I believe that all of these moments happen for a reason. People are brought into our lives at exactly the right moments we will need them and situations do not occur by accident. Some are there for that temporary relief and some will stay forever - you just never know, but that is part of the fun of this journey called life!

Even the tough times can bring good things our way. I have seen my share of misfortune and sadness, but the irony is that some of the best things have come into my life as a result of the bad things that have happened.  I have met some of the closest people in my inner circle as a direct result of going though a tough time or loss. I have also met some pretty awesome people in some of the greatest times in my life!

I have been given some signs recently to reflect on this very topic. It is so important to take time to reflect on what is going well and what is not contributing to your best life! As I have quoted before Life is long. It is living that we risk being short on. I want to take full advantage of every day I am given and embrace every opportunity to feed my soul. 

You can't predict the future. But, you can't compromise your future based on the past.  Live your life deliberately and the possibilities truly are endless.  I believe in creating my destiny through the opportunity of fate.  Chance encounters can simply be random events that happen or you can embrace them and turn them into possibility. I have some pretty cool examples of turning them into possibility and I highly recommend it! 

Another Trip Around the Sun!

Another birthday.  

I am blessed and thankful to celebrate another year of life!  
As I reflect on 41, it was full of ups and downs, a few more downs than ups this year, but the biggest up was that I was here to live my 41st year - right?!?  This year brought greater loss, anniversaries of loss and a few more challenges, but I also celebrated some amazing moments, as well!  

As I reflect on the last year, I can't help but reflect on this day three years ago - this was the day I had my post-op visit to receive the pathology report from my surgery.  The cancer was not contained, we found evidence of cancer in a lymph node....blah...blah...blah...radiation...chemo...more chemo...hair loss...nausea...exhaustion...clinical trial. It's difficult to remember what life was like BC (before cancer).  It's hard to remember how you celebrated birthdays when you never gave a thought to not having another one - I was young and took the the gift of life a little for granted.  

After losing my mom in April, some days, I just want to curl up, cry and wallow in the sadness of loss. While I suffered much loss during 41, I learned from each of every one of these experiences.  I continue to be reminded that the anticipation of hard things is much more difficult than actually going through them and I can do hard things!

Some prefer to ignore their birthdays, but I will celebrate and celebrate big and I look forward to conquering more hard things in the next year!  Cheers to 42!  

Pelotonia14

Pelotonia14 has come to a close and I am simply overflowing with emotion and energy from the weekend.  I jumped all in for Pelotonia14, committing to the full 180 mile, 2-day adventure.  Only a little more than 700 of 7262 riders commit to the full 180 mile ride.  I also recently saw a statistic that there are only 344 cancer survivors riding in Pelotonia14 (fact check: Best Bike Blog Ever).  That is less than 5% of the riders that are cancer survivors.  As I entered into the weekend knowing I was one of the 344 survivors and one of the 700 that would complete the full 180 mile ride, I was feeling pumped!

Training started early this year with indoor workouts in the "Pain Cave".  I mentioned this amazing group of women that I trained with for 2013 and they have become an even more amazing part of my life since then.  Julie hosted indoor spinning workouts over the winter on trainers in her basement - these were no joke! 

In addition to physical training, we focused on hydration and nutrition. It became apparent how important preparation was going to be.  I planned my first road trip in April, which I was super excited to get my first overnight trip under my belt before Pelotonia - there is so much to think about and so much more anxiety when you have to pack and think about everything you will need when you are away from home.  This trip would ultimately not happen for me when my mom took a turn for the worse and ultimately lost her battle with breast cancer on April 21, 2014.  I was more motivated than ever now to step up and tell cancer to Suck It!

As spring broke and we could get outside, the rides got easier, the recovery became faster and I started to feel confident I would make it up those hills on August. 

We gathered to check in on Friday at the Opening Ceremony - another inspiring evening by the Pelotonia staff!  They hit a home run!  Here are a few of my 180 mile crew enjoying the night before.

Weeks prior to Pelotonia, Cindy's family rallied behind us as our personal SAG. What a treat this was - they would be strategically placed throughout the route and we could have our own food available, along with cold beverages (and ICE:) and friendly faces to take care of us while we were pedaling our way through both days.  Simply put, they were angels from heaven.  To see this family pull together to support not just their own, but the rest of us riding with their loved ones, it was awe-inspiring. I have had a lot of moments since losing my mom where I felt sorry for myself because I have lost both of my parents in such a short time. I realized again this weekend that family is not just about who you are born into, but the many wonderful souls you surround yourself with. My heart is bursting with love and support from this weekend. 

Saturday Crew

My tributes

This is how Rey is going
to ride Pelotonia15

THE RIDE: We line up with the final touches to our tributes, some with marker written on their bodies, helmets adorned and mine with pictures posted to my back.  We would bust out of the gate in the 2nd wave on Saturday morning, giving us a fast start and a sense of confidence for the day.  Somehow I missed the first SAG stop after getting ahead of the group and after a long wait at the 25 mile rest stop, I would reconnect with 2 of our 6.  Learned my lesson there and planned to stay with the group from now on - I had no interest in riding alone and stand by my mantra that "it's not about how fast you finish, it's about who you finish with".  The first 43 miles would go fast, the lunch stop with our personal SAG was a treat and we would say good-bye to Jenny at the 50 mile split.  Now time to settle in and prepare for the hills.  We would have one more personal sag at the 70 mile mark before they would head out to wait for us at the finish line.  We stopped for a potty break at mile 80 and regroup before the final trek to the finish.  We are a rider short and our rule is 'no rider left behind', so we would wait for them to catch up to us at the rest stop.  When they didn't show, we begged (well, we didn't have to beg that hard, he was pretty wiling) a motorcycle SAG to take Rey back a few miles to check on our lost rider.  No luck, we ultimately make the call to go on, hoping and praying that she missed us at the rest stop and went on thinking we weren't there.  We rolled into the arms of our fellow riders and family members, thankful to find our lost rider who assumed we left her behind...we must have better communication and a plan for Sunday!

We enjoyed some dinner, a much needed shower and retreated to our room for the evening.  We had quite the treat for our accommodations and had the luck of being put up in apartment style housing.  The best part was having a living area that we could all relax in and recount the day.  We would strategize our better plan to stay together on Sunday and laughed until we cried, which was a much needed stress reliever.  

Jen and Jake

I arose at 3:45 a.m. on Sunday, on my own, which for anyone that knows me, knows this is a miracle! We pulled out our special jerseys in honor of Jake for today.  Jake was Jen's sweet dog that we would ride in honor of today.  Jake was diagnosed with cancer and unfortunately lost his battle in January of this year. Jen would pull Jake in a toddler trailer on rides and became our team mascot.  We all loved Jake - he was a very special man and meant the world to Jen.  It was our privilege to honor him (and her) on this day. 

The Fab 5 for 180!

As we lined up in the chute, it became apparent that today would start with a challenge - to leave Kenyon College, you must first ride up a very steep hill. We waited in the chute, with the fog surrounding us, nervous about our ability to climb this steep hill on cold, sore legs - I am happy to report we made it!  I was very nervous about being the rider that took out everyone else before we even got started...whew, crisis avoided!  We knew the first 20 miles would be the challenge - they are full of steep hills, you are tired and not yet warmed up.  I had the privilege of encountering John Looker at about Mile 6.  John is a cancer survivor, currently battling a number of reoccurrences and based on all statistics, should not be here, yet he is and could kick my ass on the road on most given days!  I rode with him and his posse for a bit and continued to leap frog and encounter him most of the day.  We would roll into New Albany in two groups today and it was the most emotionally charged moment I have experienced in a long time.  There were tears and smiles, pain and excitement!  

Matthew and I

My cherished brother was there to see my cross the finish line, which meant the world to me.  While my family was close, my parents never witnessed me complete an endurance run or ride since I started this physical journey 5 years ago.  While I know they were always proud of me, they were not comfortable sharing these experiences with me and I never took the initiative to ask them to be there.  I asked Matthew to be there on Sunday, and he was - funny how that works.  Sometimes people just don't realize how much their physical presence means to you - no matter how small it seems, it can mean the world to someone that you took the time to show up. I wish I would have made the effort to ask my parents to be there, rather than assuming they did not want to be there....now, it's too late.  

I am so grateful for the women that got me to the finish line!  Thank you Cindy, Franny, Rey and Aneca - you ladies rock!  To our entire wackadoodle crew - thank you for pushing me, sometimes literally (Jen and Julie:) up each and every hill.  And thank you for being my extended family of the heart - it means the world to me that you show up for me.

When can I register for Pelotonia15??

I CAN!

I have been told time and time again that getting up a tough hill is far more mental than physical. I have always agreed with this theory, but that doesn't make it any easier to get out of my own head.

I was out for my last training ride before Pelotonia14 and was expecting a fairly easy ride - 35 miles and a route I have done several times before, so no surprises. Just before we hit the halfway point, one of the girls mentions that they plan to take a slightly different route into Granville that includes "Beechwood Hill". I immediately count myself in because I could use some extra hill work before next weekend. 5 of us head one way for the extra hill and as we pull away Rey mentions, "I had never made it up Beechwold until this season".  I immediately think I have made a mistake.  See, the 4 girls that I joined, we fondly refer to as the "Fast Girls".  They are more experienced riders and do centuries as a matter of course on the weekend.

We turn left onto Beechwold and immediately it is steep, I get into my granny gear and I make it up the first section...I start up the second section and keep telling myself, "hills are not about your legs, they are about your heart" (I cannot take credit for these words of wisdom, but I use them to help me conquer the hills). I made it 75% and got off my bike - the fear of my legs not being able to push the pedals gets the best of me. Jen comes running down the hill and demands I get back on the bike, to which I respond, "I CAN'T!"  Jen was not taking "I CAN'T" as an option.  I thought, now what?  Anyone who rides knows the only thing worse than riding up a tough hill is getting back on the bike in the middle of a tough hill and getting started again. Thanks to Jen's belief in me, as well as giving me a push off while Julie insured I did not fall over, I made it up that last part of the hill...think back to learning to ride a bike as a kid with your dad running behind you - that was Jen & Julie for me today;-)  Sometimes it takes someone else believing in you to believe in yourself!  

I catch my breath, look to my left and there is yet one more steep incline.  I was sure I would not make it - I thought I had spent all the energy I had. Rey gives me a pep talk - assuring me that I can do this, to which I continue to say "I don't think I can".  Wouldn't you know, I made it up that last stretch, without falling over or walking it.  Yet again, I am reminded that the anticipation of things is quite often worse than actually going through them and it turns out, I CAN! 

I am ready for 180 miles next weekend and I am so excited to experience it with the most supportive, thoughtful and bad-ass women I know!  

If not us, Who? If not now, When?

This past weekend I went on a 70 mile training ride and rode my fastest pace ever!  I woke up Monday morning very weary.  I was a little tired, a little sore and questioning that I can really ride 180 miles over 2 days. Then I thought back to surgery, radiation & chemo, followed by stronger chemo and told myself, "Self, of course you can ride 180 miles! You should be thankful that you have the opportunity to train and get out there!"  I know that I am lucky and I need to not take that for granted, but it is easy to slip back into life and forget that dark period. I will ride to honor the many survivors in my life, I will ride for those who can't, I will ride for those we have lost.  There are too many to name... I will ride to honor my dad, Robert Schaeg, my mom, Jonnie Schaeg and my dear mom #2, Barb Smith.  All lives taken too soon. They will be on my shoulder as I ride those country roads and cheer me across that finish line. 

I will be tired. I will be sore. I will be grateful that I am alive and well enough for riding to be an option. As my dear friend, John Looker says, "If not us, Who? If not now, When?"  I will ride to honor you Looker, a true warrior in every sense of the word! 

ONE GOAL -> END CANCER

Please consider a donation to my ride by following this link: pelotonia.org/bhann 

Cancerversary!

Cancerversary, is that a word?  Well, to cancer survivors, yes.  There is some controversy over which day qualifies as your cancerversary, but I choose to celebrate mine on the day I was diagnosed.  It has been three years since I heard the words no one expects or wants to hear..."You have cancer".  I remember it like it was yesterday, yet it seems like a lifetime ago.  Some may wonder why I would come back to this picture of my bald head with no eyebrows or eyelashes...well, I never want to forget this battle.  I never want to take for granted what a gift life this!  

When I reflect on the last three years, it is such an emotional roller coaster.  I have celebrated my survival, mourned the loss of my dad to lung cancer, been inspired by my mom's courage to fight her own battle with breast cancer, although she lost this battle three short months ago.

In three weeks I will ride Pelotonia and what better way to celebrate my Cancerversary and my survival!  Although, this year I have officially lost my mind and will tackle the 180 miles over 2 days in an effort to raise awareness and funds to support cancer research.  This will be one of the hardest things I have ever done physically, but THE hardest thing I have ever done is still winning my fight with cancer.  As I struggle to get up those hills, I will think about those last radiation treatments that stripped me of the ability to digest food and completely zapped my energy.  I will never forget the day I laid down on the floor in my office at 2:00 in the afternoon because I literally could not keep my eyes open and was not even sure it was safe to drive myself home.  I will think about the chemo that zapped my hair and took my femininity.  I will remember the weeks of recovery from the surgery that leaves me with a scarred abdomen.  I will remember that moment when the doctors said their was no more that could be done for my dad.  And I will remember those last days that my mom's once vibrant body, now riddled with tumors, lay in her bed, in my childhood bedroom as she succumbed to the deadly power of this terrible disease.  I will continue to fight for a cure!  

Pelotonia has been a tremendous support and inspiration through this very difficult time.  What has been an even bigger support and inspiration are my girls.  I have developed an incredible group of women that inspire me, push me to do more than I ever thought possible and have been there for me at some of my darkest times.  It's hard to imagine my life without each one of them.  It is interesting how the right people come into your life at the exact moment you need them the most.

Motherless, but we are going to be ok...

I traveled to Chicago this past weekend with my dear friend Amy, who lost her mom to pancreatic cancer in January of this year.  For those keeping score, that is 3 cancer diagnoses and 3 losses in my immediate close circle over the last 3 years, plus my own diagnosis.  Really?  I continue to search for the why.  

Amy and I have been friends since middle school - we cried over broken hearts, laughed through the drama of growing up, experienced our first taste of alcohol and everything in between, together....this year, we are grieving the loss of our mothers, together...which has come with broken hearts, laughing until we cried over the drama and lots of alcohol.


This weekend's trip to Chicago connected us with a soul sister to Amy.  Amy took a different approach to research and grieving than I, she turned to on-line support groups and met Mollie.  Mollie is 10 years our junior and also lost her mom within the last year to pancreatic cancer.  There is no way anyone could have predicted or imagined that Amy's suburban life in Alpharetta, GA would connect her with a single, millennial living in Chicago.  Yet, we share this common bond of watching our mothers fight courageous battles with this horrible disease and ultimately losing their battles, leaving us...motherless.

I was thrilled to tag along and meet Mollie in person.  Amy has been talking about her for months and mourned when she learned that Mollie's mom passed away last fall.  I felt like I knew Mollie although I had never even exchanged an e-mail with her.  We arrived in Chicago on Friday and planned to meet up with Mollie on Saturday afternoon - from the moment she came up the escalator at Water Tower Mall - it was like we had been friends for a lifetime.  We immediately starting laughing and sharing stories - we laughed, a lot, cried a little and felt connected like no one else could understand.  The weekend was full of Chicago experiences, emotional support that no amount of therapy could provide and memories that I will forever cherish.  

Yet again, this journey has connected me with someone that I never would have met had it not been for my crazy cancer experience.  I continue to be inspired and encouraged that I while I have experience great loss, I am not alone!  

Be Proud of Yourself - You Deserve it!

I have been struggling since my mom passed away - it's hard to believe it has been more than 2 months since she passed.  I have been struggling to be happy for others, to find a way to deal with the loss and most of the time, I simply stay busy enough to not think about it.  Luckily, work has been so off the hook, that has not been hard.  I found myself with few obligations this weekend and made a decision earlier this week that this weekend was going to be about me and feeding my soul.  I spent some time thinking about what that meant and if given the full weekend to only focus on myself, what would I do?  I threw myself into training for Pelotonia!  Pelotonia is so near and dear to my heart, having been involved since the beginning, which seems like a lifetime ago. 

As I train to ride 180 miles over 2 days, it's truly the hardest thing I have ever attempted, physically and mentally.  One of the many hard parts of embarking on this challenge is, who will be as proud of me as my dad was?  He would watch facebook to follow me along my rides and then call me later that day to talk about my ride.  My parents were so proud of me and nothing felt better than living up to that...which wasn't that hard because your parents see the best in you, no matter what.  So, I ask again, who will be as proud of me as my dad?  The answer is me.  Although, I know my dad is looking down on me with some cliche of wisdom - I hope I can hear his voice on that last tough of hill before rolling across the finish line.  

Today, I rode 55 miles of hills after riding 25 miles yesterday.  This was the first ride that I really felt confident about my riding.  I cannot lie, I have been a little scared, given 2 of my training buddies have been involved in rather serious accidents over the last month, taking them out for the season.  While neither of these accidents were caused by drivers, it's very disappointing to hear about and witness firsthand the driver's rage and anger over sharing the road with cyclists...what is so important that you can't slow down while passing a cyclist who is struggling up a hill or fixing a flat on the side of the road?  Someone actually took the time to flip us off today after getting around us at stop sign - really?  

I am so thankful for the amazing group of women that have supported me through this journey of training, which has turned into supporting me through my fight, loss and the rebuilding of who I am.  I am so blessed, so thankful and so proud of myself.  I am a survivor and every day gets easier.  I look forward to crossing that finish line in August - it will mean more than anyone will realize as they cheer us across the finish line.  We are only 5 weeks away and for the first time, I know I can do it - I am so proud of myself.  

Mom, I am so proud of you!

On April 21, 2014 at 4:01 p.m., my mom lost her courageous battle with breast cancer.  The last 6 months have been a roller coaster of fighting, survival and trying to soak up every minute of life.  I read an article recently that included a statement that sums up my current state of mind so well "The finality of it. When she was sick, at least things kept changing. She felt better, or worse. It was a good time to talk, or it wasn't. Things happened. Now nothing is happening. This is it.”  (Source: The Unmothered)  This perfectly sums up what I have been thinking and feeling over the last several weeks.  I have lost so much, but gained so much at the same time.  I have learned a great deal about myself through this process and even more about my mom.  She was stronger than she ever gave herself credit for and I am so proud of hard she has fought over the last 22 months.  

I have created a bond with my dear little brother that will only get stronger as we navigate this journey without the two most important people in our life - our parents.  I don't know what adventures await us, but I am looking forward to the ride!  I will find a way to keep putting one foot in front of the other and live life because this is it, but I miss you mom...