If not us, Who? If not now, When?

This past weekend I went on a 70 mile training ride and rode my fastest pace ever!  I woke up Monday morning very weary.  I was a little tired, a little sore and questioning that I can really ride 180 miles over 2 days. Then I thought back to surgery, radiation & chemo, followed by stronger chemo and told myself, "Self, of course you can ride 180 miles! You should be thankful that you have the opportunity to train and get out there!"  I know that I am lucky and I need to not take that for granted, but it is easy to slip back into life and forget that dark period. I will ride to honor the many survivors in my life, I will ride for those who can't, I will ride for those we have lost.  There are too many to name... I will ride to honor my dad, Robert Schaeg, my mom, Jonnie Schaeg and my dear mom #2, Barb Smith.  All lives taken too soon. They will be on my shoulder as I ride those country roads and cheer me across that finish line. 

I will be tired. I will be sore. I will be grateful that I am alive and well enough for riding to be an option. As my dear friend, John Looker says, "If not us, Who? If not now, When?"  I will ride to honor you Looker, a true warrior in every sense of the word! 

ONE GOAL -> END CANCER

Please consider a donation to my ride by following this link: pelotonia.org/bhann 

Cancerversary!

Cancerversary, is that a word?  Well, to cancer survivors, yes.  There is some controversy over which day qualifies as your cancerversary, but I choose to celebrate mine on the day I was diagnosed.  It has been three years since I heard the words no one expects or wants to hear..."You have cancer".  I remember it like it was yesterday, yet it seems like a lifetime ago.  Some may wonder why I would come back to this picture of my bald head with no eyebrows or eyelashes...well, I never want to forget this battle.  I never want to take for granted what a gift life this!  

When I reflect on the last three years, it is such an emotional roller coaster.  I have celebrated my survival, mourned the loss of my dad to lung cancer, been inspired by my mom's courage to fight her own battle with breast cancer, although she lost this battle three short months ago.

In three weeks I will ride Pelotonia and what better way to celebrate my Cancerversary and my survival!  Although, this year I have officially lost my mind and will tackle the 180 miles over 2 days in an effort to raise awareness and funds to support cancer research.  This will be one of the hardest things I have ever done physically, but THE hardest thing I have ever done is still winning my fight with cancer.  As I struggle to get up those hills, I will think about those last radiation treatments that stripped me of the ability to digest food and completely zapped my energy.  I will never forget the day I laid down on the floor in my office at 2:00 in the afternoon because I literally could not keep my eyes open and was not even sure it was safe to drive myself home.  I will think about the chemo that zapped my hair and took my femininity.  I will remember the weeks of recovery from the surgery that leaves me with a scarred abdomen.  I will remember that moment when the doctors said their was no more that could be done for my dad.  And I will remember those last days that my mom's once vibrant body, now riddled with tumors, lay in her bed, in my childhood bedroom as she succumbed to the deadly power of this terrible disease.  I will continue to fight for a cure!  

Pelotonia has been a tremendous support and inspiration through this very difficult time.  What has been an even bigger support and inspiration are my girls.  I have developed an incredible group of women that inspire me, push me to do more than I ever thought possible and have been there for me at some of my darkest times.  It's hard to imagine my life without each one of them.  It is interesting how the right people come into your life at the exact moment you need them the most.

Motherless, but we are going to be ok...

I traveled to Chicago this past weekend with my dear friend Amy, who lost her mom to pancreatic cancer in January of this year.  For those keeping score, that is 3 cancer diagnoses and 3 losses in my immediate close circle over the last 3 years, plus my own diagnosis.  Really?  I continue to search for the why.  

Amy and I have been friends since middle school - we cried over broken hearts, laughed through the drama of growing up, experienced our first taste of alcohol and everything in between, together....this year, we are grieving the loss of our mothers, together...which has come with broken hearts, laughing until we cried over the drama and lots of alcohol.


This weekend's trip to Chicago connected us with a soul sister to Amy.  Amy took a different approach to research and grieving than I, she turned to on-line support groups and met Mollie.  Mollie is 10 years our junior and also lost her mom within the last year to pancreatic cancer.  There is no way anyone could have predicted or imagined that Amy's suburban life in Alpharetta, GA would connect her with a single, millennial living in Chicago.  Yet, we share this common bond of watching our mothers fight courageous battles with this horrible disease and ultimately losing their battles, leaving us...motherless.

I was thrilled to tag along and meet Mollie in person.  Amy has been talking about her for months and mourned when she learned that Mollie's mom passed away last fall.  I felt like I knew Mollie although I had never even exchanged an e-mail with her.  We arrived in Chicago on Friday and planned to meet up with Mollie on Saturday afternoon - from the moment she came up the escalator at Water Tower Mall - it was like we had been friends for a lifetime.  We immediately starting laughing and sharing stories - we laughed, a lot, cried a little and felt connected like no one else could understand.  The weekend was full of Chicago experiences, emotional support that no amount of therapy could provide and memories that I will forever cherish.  

Yet again, this journey has connected me with someone that I never would have met had it not been for my crazy cancer experience.  I continue to be inspired and encouraged that I while I have experience great loss, I am not alone!